Who/What are you searching for ?

It was one of those regular saturdays .... AP had made plans to watch the movie Ranjhana ... Our last moview together - English Vinglish was not exactly a pleasant experience with me whaling away the 3 hrs deleting SMSes ..... So it was with apprehension that I went for Ranjhana  the so called Different Love story whose 1 liners were becoming a craze on the internet..... Also there was a bit of controversy over the hindu and muslim roles by the lead characters .... And so with all this confusions I went and I was dead bored by the time first interval was approaching .... And it was at this time , the entire movie came apart with this song which in a very beautiful way mixed the longing for love with the longing for the salvation and the eternal peace

Jis ko dhoondhe baahar baahar
Wo baithaa hai bheetar chhup ke
Tere andar ek samandar kyoon dhoondhe dubke dubke..

Akal ke parde peechhe kar de
Ghoonghat ke pat khol de
Orey piyaa, piyaa
Tohe piyaa milenge, milenge
Tohe piyaa milenge, milenge..

Paa ke khona, kho ke paana
Hota aaya re
Sang saathi saa hai wo to
Wo hai saayaa re

Dagaa tune kee naa
Bas jee se jee mere
Bone seene mein wo tere dheeme dheeme re

Jo hai dekhaa, wo hi dekha to kyaa dekhaa hai
Dekho wo jo auron ne naa kabhee dekhaa hai
Nainon se naa aisa kuchh dekhaa jaata hai
Nainaa meecho to wo sab dikh jaataa hai
Tohe piya milenge..

Usi ko paana, usee ko chhoona, kaheen pe wo naa, kaheen pe tu naa
Usi ko paana, usee ko chhoona, kaheen pe wo na, kaheen pe tu naa
Jahaan pe wo naa, wahaan pe soonaa, Yahaan pe soonaa..
 
Tohe piya milenge, piya milenge, milenge
Tohe piya milenge, milenge milenge..  
 

The translation ---

The one that you search for, outside,
He's sitting inside (you), hiding..
There is a sea inside you, why do you search here and there..

Move the curtains of mind behind,
and open the veil..
You'll find your beloved..
You'll find your beloved...

To lose after finding, and to find after losing,
it has been happening (for long)..
He is with (you) like a companion,
He's a shadow..
 
You haven't cheated anyone,
Just live from my heart..
I have to sow Him in your heart slowly...

What have you seen if you've only seen that you have seen (with your eyes)
See what no one else has ever seen..
Such things are not seen with eyes..
If you close your eyes, everything can be seen..
You'll find your beloved..

I have to get him only, I have to touch him alone,
Nowhere do I find him, nowhere are you there..
Where he's not there, there it's emptiness.. here, there is emptiness..
 

 

Personal Mission Statement

Recently I attended a Leadership Development Program in which participants were asked to write our personal mission statements  Initially , I thought of writing something about the daily work but then the devil inside me woke up .This is what I wrote -

"I would like to be that person who would create the perfect world where all can live without encroaching on each other's rights and livelihood , where sharing and caring is the underlying belief. A world where person will be admired for his skills and encouraged to hone them. A world where family and professional endeavors gets equal importance"

The instructor said that this personal mission statement needs to be honed and changed so as to reflect one's value system.... So let us see where this world takes me.

Maula mere le le meri jaan

Hindi translation of one of my favorite songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0810f8y0i4

Teeja Tera Rang Tha Main Toh
Jiya Tere Dhang Se Main Toh
Tu Hi Tha Maula, Tu Hi Aan
Maula Mere Lele Meri Jaan

I am adorned by your colors
I have lived by your traditions
You are my Lord, my pride
Take my life its yours, My Lord

Tere Sang Kheli Holi
Tere Sang Thi Diwali
Tere Anganon Ki Chhaya
Tere Sang Sawan Aaya
Pher Le Tu Chahe Nazaren Chahe Chura Le
Laut Ke Tu Aayega Re Shart Laga Le

With you I have played Holi
And with you celebrated Diwali
In your courtyard I found shade
In your company the rains arrived
Now you can turn away from me if you want
But you will return, I am certain

Mitti Meri Bhi Tu Hi
Wohi Mere Ghee Aur Churi
Wohi Ranjhe Mere Wohi Heer
Wohi Sevaiyyan Wohi Kheer
Tujh Se Hi Rooth Na Re Tujhe Hi Manana
Tere Mera Naata Koi Dooja Na Jaana

You are my earth
You are my Ghee and Churi(sweet)
You are my Ranjha and you are my Heer(star crossed lovers)
You are my sevaiyaan and my kheer (sweet)
You are the one I get angry with and the one I makeup with
No one else can understand our relationship

What to do ??

Sometimes ...Things happen ...
Sometimes you just can't be what you ought to be ..you can't have what you ought to have . And life changes. Maybe just a little, maybe a lot. And at some point it just isn't worth the fight to try and fix what went wrong ,,,

The Manic Rikshawvaala – I

In Mumbai , autorikshaws are a very familiar figure. They occupy pretty much each and every open space in a traffic jam competing with the likes of audi’s , bmws and marutis and normally beating them in the race.  Daily commute to office is normally peppered with encounters with rikshawvaala’s normally centering about their refusal for low distance travels or wrong fares and tampered meters.
It was 5 am in the morning; I had to go to airport. The road was pretty much empty. It was drizzling slightly but since my destination was not having any rain forecast, the adventurer inside me didn’t believe in taking any umbrella. So I was standing under a tree hoping for the rickshaw fellow to come before the drizzle becomes a downpour . First two rickshaws went by without any response to my Hos... The next one comes and asks me where I want to go. I replied “Domestic airport” . He asks me to hop in. After going for about 1 minute or so , I realize that he has not started his fare meter. Thinking that he forgot about it , I request him to start the fare-meter. The rikshaw fellow didn’t bother to reply. The roads are all empty , the drizzle has become a downpour now. I once again requested him to start the fare-meter to which he replies “Boss , the fare meter will not be turned on” . As I stared with concern at the autorikshaw fellow’s tone and the surrounding empty road. I tightened my grip on my cell , planning to make a emergency call just in case. I asked with a bit stern tone, why he won’t be turning the fare-meter? Is he expecting some fixed fare? If that is the case he should have negotiated it before making me sit and blah blah blah blah. Listening to my blah blahs , he responded with another punch. He said that he won’t be taking any fare from me. I thought this will be very ironic the way my trip will end even before it begins , being murdered by a manic serial killer driving a rickshaw on the empty streets of the Mumbai. A fitting end to a very violent life.
As I was preparing myself for the eventuality, I observed that he had turned the rikshaw towards a group of rikshaws which were standing on the intersection. As the rikshaw slowed , he ho hoed the group and asked whether anybody was interested in a fare to domestic airport. As one fellow came forward , I asked the rikshaw fellow why he himself was not coming to the airport. He replied back that, he has to carry kids to school and since I was standing all alone in rains, he thought of taking me to the closest rickshaw stand on his way to the kids. As I thanked and said my farewell to him, the song that came to my mind was Des Mera Rangrez

Of Somerset Maugham and Me

I was introduced to Somerset Maugham by one of my friends B who had passed on the book “On Razor’s Edge” to me in 2002. It was at a time where my brain was absorbing each and every trash and as I read the first few chapters which most of the time talked about the love interests, settling down plans, picnics and such fun of a girl and her fiancé I thot whether B has finally gone bonkers to give me such a stupid book? But then there was something in that book, the way it was written which stopped me from putting down that book and then came the Somerset twist when the guy refused to accept the high paying job giving high funda excuses and then came the twist of girl refusing to marry the fellow since he is not accepting the high paying job and as the novel moved from one such twist to another, I was left wondering at the deviousness of the writer. And the evil simplicity in which he had bought the novel to a *Happy Ending* left me numb. That novel did force me to take a look at the way things were going on in my life.

My second encounter with Maugham was when I got hold of the book Of Human Bondage in the public library. It was a story of a guy who had a club foot. Story of his growing up, facing discrimination and the way he reacted to that discrimination most of the time in not so admirable or noble way. How hard he tries to win over the affection of a waitress and how each time she comes to him for support and ditches him when she recovers. It was rare for me to get hold of a book which had a very *human* central character who in a very selfish way lived for himself, went around doing all acts in a very *human* way, showing human emotions of being hurt and then reacting to his emotions in a very human way with no penchant for showing greatness or acting in a noble way. Reading that book at itz own pace was a very memorable experience for me. I went again and again through the book and completely exhausted myself. 

And now I was completely smitten by Mr Maugham and his books , his way of writing and his thinking process and had Maugham festival at the nearby public library .
The next encounter with Maugham which became ingrained in my memory was because it came after my friendly banter with the rental office lady. She had just joined the apartment complex where we used to stay and seemed to be very much curious about the Indians and the Indian culture. Seeing her curiosity, I was expecting a question from her about the arranged marriage system in India and the question came when I had gone to pay the monthly rent with 2 of my friends … As we explained to her, the intricacies of the arranged marriage and how the match making is done ,  and how the divorce rates in India is the lowest , I myself was not much convinced. It was at this time while reading the story Moon and Six Pence. The story line is something like , as always there is a happy family where the husband is ultra-rich and wife is ultra-devoted to him until a friend comes by. The wife abandons the rich fellow and goes away with the poor friend of her husband.

While describing this, I came across the below lines -
“I do not suppose she had ever really cared for her husband, and what I had taken for love was no more than the feminine response to caresses and comfort which in the minds of most women passes for it. It is a passive feeling capable of being roused for any object, as the vine can grow on any tree; and the wisdom of the world recognizes its strength when it urges a girl to marry the man who wants her with the assurance that love will follow. It is an emotion made up of the satisfaction in security, pride of property, the pleasure of being desired, the gratification of a household, and it is only by an amiable vanity that women ascribe to it spiritual value. It is an emotion which is defenseless against passion”

I rewound my memory several times to see whether this aspect is the reason why the Indian arranged marriages end up in and they happily lived ever after
Over the years , There have been several encounters between me and Maugham which helped me further crystallize myself and sometimes justify the way I reacted to several situations. Over these encounters I got hold of below –
 

Beauty you seldom see face to face. Look at it well, for what you see now you will never see again , since the moment is transitory, but it will be an imperishable memory in your heart. You touch eternity
Edward Barnard in "Fall of Edward Barnard"
 

The more he learns , the more he wants and the more unhappy he becomes.
The Razor's Edge

If to look truth in the face and not resent it when it’s unpalatable, and take human nature as you find it, smiling when it’s absurd and grieved without exaggeration when it’s pitiful, is to be cynical then I suppose I am a cynic. Mostly human nature is both absurd and pitiful, but if life has taught you tolerance you find it more to smile at than to weep.
The Back of Beyond

It would be very easy if you could do a beastly thing and then say you are sorry afterwards and that put it all right again. One could do a dastardly thing if one chose, but it is contemptible to regret it afterwards
On Human Bondage

I do not confer praise or blame. I accept. I am the measure of all things. I am the centre of the world.
On Human Bondage

 My most emphatic encounter with Maugham was inside a Jiffy Lube , on a cold wintry morning when I read
One mustn’t expect gratitude. It’s a thing that no has right to. After all, you do good because it gives you pleasure. It’s the purest form of happiness there is. To expect thanks for it is really asking too much. If you get it well , well , it’s like a bonus on the shares on which you have already received the dividend; it’s grand, but you mustn’t look upon as your due

I was shocked, had one of the most extreme moments of doubt. I pretty much questioned the way I had behaved throughout my life in a human way rather than the humane way. And then I decided , I will do good if I feel like doing good , otherwise I will continue being my good old impulsive self regardless what others perceive me.

The Bolivian Diaries ----

I have always enjoyed watching dreams. Especially since most of the time, I realize that I am in a dream and all my acts won’t result in anything which will cause any impact on anybody. Dreams have been an excellent medium for me to analyze myself, my acts and I normally let the dreams proceed at its own pace.

During my last Kerala vacations, I was taken with me two Che Guevera books , one was Motorcycle Diaries which he had written before becoming that hardcore left ideologue and another was the Bolivian Diaries which is based on the diary maintained by CG during his last days in Bolivia, before he was hunted down by the Bolivian army and killed. In this diary , he maintained a daily log of the events , his interpretation of them , the mistakes he made while dealing with his group of fighters as well as other tit-bits. He also made a mention of the various difficulties like lack of food, injuries , flooding etc which the group faced while moving across the Bolivian landscape along with the frequent encounters with the Bolivian army. All in all it was a very moving book and probably I got immersed into it too much.

So one fine day, while I was sleeping with the book lying by my side, I became part of that group, sitting in a clearing inside the jungle with few guns, covered in dust and dressed in army fatigues. Realizing the situation, my first impulse was to check my leg. I got up and moved my right leg. It felt good. No creaking sound came from knee. No instability when I put my weight on it. I recalled the part from Mitch Albom’s–Five People you meet in Heaven where the prime character check out his injured leg when he goes to meet the first person in heaven. I looked around and realized there was nobody resembling Che . Instead the group consisted of all my acquaintances whom I had presumed as hardcore ideologues. I was a bit surprised since I knew not all were on the same side of the fence.  But felt good that all of us were fighting for something which was common. So I settled myself into the group which was having an animated discussion on some pointless issue. Some fellow was bringing in the food. From the novel , I knew that the group was in shortfall of the food so I was not surprised to see a liquidy fare as food.

As the group was consuming food, we heard sound of gunfire coming from somewhere closeby. One fellow came running and said ( in hindi) that army is coming and we have to plan something. I was expecting some plans for a fight but was shocked when somebody said a chopper will be landing some distance from where we are and if we hurry up we will reach it in time and avoid the soldiers and the army and save our lives. As I looked with shock at the fellow who made this suggestion, the rest of the group agreed. I looked at disgust at the group wondering how wrong I had been in coming for a fight with a group of people whose only priority became saving’s once life when faced with bullets and all professed ideologies and preachings went for naught . As the bad taste flooded my mouth, I found myself also urging the group to run towards the place where the chopper was supposed to land telling them how saving once life is more important.

Now this was just too much for me to bear, I got up with a start from the sleep. It was still dark. I sat on the bed contemplating, how it is futile to expect others to stand for their beliefs when I was also among the first ones to run when faced with bullets, was more worried about saving my life rather than sacrificing myself for the ideology in which I thought I believed.  As the thought of not being a great man who is ready to give up life for a cause pervaded my mind , I started looking for excuses to support my running away. I knew, all the justifications that I can think off can do nothing to redeem myself.